Another Pig Flew By

WANTED: Handsome, funny, sensitive man who's into women.

And just then another pig flew by.

So what does the informed, realistic woman want in a man? Looks that soften with love, a decent job, a hairless back, and a dearly departed mother. And that's just for openers. Once past the first date, he has to learn a few ground rules.

1. There's a big difference between having a sense of humour and telling "the nun and the duck" joke 50 times in one evening.

2. A kiss on the cheek--his or hers--does not constitute foreplay.

3. There's a little grooming aid called pumice. Use it.

4. Same goes for tweezers on everything from ears to uni-brows.

5. Drunken booty calls at 3 a.m. are subject to vigorous use of caller ID and could lead to permanent application of call blocking.

6. Spitting on the sidewalk is not a sign of virility.

7. Unless she can grab her elbows when she hugs you, don't expect your hands to fit around her waist.

8. Get a job or get out.

9. Walking hand in hand is not a blatant PDA. Relax and go with it.

10. Making out in a dark theatre is negotiable, pending compliance with rules one through nine.

Any man who can honestly live by these rules for six months (in a row) just might have my undying love.

I wonder if the pig's busy tonight.